the buddha & the borderline

September 7, 2010 § Leave a comment

new book just arrived. the buddha & the borderline: my recovery from borderline personality disorder through dialectical behavior therapy, buddhism & online dating.

checked out match.com tonight for the first time (i think). kelsey tells me eharmony is too conservative. she knows more about these things, but i bring other things to the table, so she tells me. i can help her craft the perfect text to send to the sexy, furry mountain man with the organic garden she hooked up with last weekend. the one who hasn’t called.

and i can do the same thing for myself, of course. the crafting is the same. i’m good at it. what i can’t do is accept. kelsey knows that if he doesn’t text back, he’s just not that interested and it’s better to let it go now. i know this too. but i can’t seem to live it. i keep texting. i make do with whatever affection is tossed my way. i make possibility.

kelsey and i were talking earlier about something unrelated. discerning fact from fiction came up. but i want to make fact from fiction. that’s what it seems i spent my energy on.

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Some page in my literary graphic memoir.

September 1, 2010 § Leave a comment

Me dragging a few of my dead horses around like large beaver pelts.

Something I read.

September 1, 2010 § Leave a comment

Kreisman/Straus, I Hate You — Don’t Leave Me:

The borderline cannot seem to gain enough independence to be dependent in healthy, rather than desperate, ways. True sharing is sacrificed to a demanding dependency and a desperate need to join with another person in order to complete one’s own identity, as kind of Siamese twins of the soul.

Conversations with Jack.

September 1, 2010 § Leave a comment

Me: So I left you that message on Sunday afternoon. I was a wreck. Couldn’t really talk. Sobbed all afternoon. Then you called be back on Monday. Well, you know I was different. On Sunday I wanted to die. By Monday afternoon I’d bounced and was back living among the reasonable.

I’m aware how extreme the change was. I mean, it was rapid.

So, do you think I’m actually bipolar?
[I’ve been diagnosed and medicated as such for ten years]

Jack: No.
[Jack is my new therapist. He looks like Jack Nicholson. I find this comforting somehow.]

Me: Well, there’s clearly something wrong with me so what do you think it is?

Jack: Well, I think you’re dealing with some borderline personality disorder issues.

August 31, 2010 § Leave a comment

Sylvia Plath:

It is a if my life were magically run by two electric currents: joyous positive and despairing negative — which ever is running at the moment dominates my life, floods it.